Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I Don't Belong Here

My husband was diligently doing his homework last night and needed the computer, so I was unable to post my blog.  He's been working so hard.  He's got so much on his plate, I feel bad for him.  

Gwen has a cold and I can't risk getting sick because if I do, my surgery will be postponed.  Cold FX, here I come!

I went to the hospital yesterday for my pre admission clinic for the surgery.  I shouldn't have gone by myself.  I had been up the whole night prior taking care of a sick Gwen who wouldn't settle.  I ended up spending half the night dozing on the floor in her room.  Needless to say, I was a little tired.  I walked up to the 3rd floor where all the surgery patients are located only to find myself surrounded by old men.  All I could think was that I was going to be spending a week with a bunch of old men at the end of their lives.  I didn't belong here.  I am a lively 30 year old woman.  I am just beginning my life.  I have a 16 month child and would like at least one more.  My career is just starting.  I've only been married for 5 years.  What happened to growing old with my husband?  To seeing our grandchildren?  I don't belong in a ward surrounded by 80 year old men!

It was the first time in this whole experience that I started feeling sorry for myself.  I had never asked, "Why me?".  I was always asking, "Why not me? What makes me so special that I shouldn't get cancer?".  They say 1 in 3 of us will end up with cancer by the end of our lives, so why shouldn't it be me?  I was of the thought that it was a good thing it WAS me because I know I have the strength and attitude to deal with this and put this cancer in it's place.  But yesterday... I went there.  I had a pity party. If I could have looked at myself, I would have been giving myself the "Pity Eyes".  Ugh.

It's a good thing I have an amazing group of people around me.  I was able to speak to my pastor right away, who could identify with the feeling of being too young to be in that ward when he had surgery a couple years ago.  He made me think about the reasons God was putting me in the situation.  Who knows who I may touch while I stay in that ward.  Who knows what lives I may touch just by going through this experience.  Who knows!  Not me.  So, I shouldn't be looking at this as a "poor me" situation, but more as a "look to see where God's at work" situation.

Thankfully, I also had a wonderful friend take Gwen for the rest of the day so I could catch up on sleep (and fight away any cold germs that may have landed!).  My pastor's daughter also offered to watch Gwen in the evening and put her to bed for me.  What a generous, caring, selfless group of people that are in my life.  I feel so incredibly blessed!

Oh, I just have to mention a little "God Moment" that happened a couple days ago.  An old friend and mentor was messaging me on Facebook to give me some encouragement.  She wrote a certain verse out of Psalms to encourage me.  It just so happens that it is not only my favourite Psalm, but my absolute favourite verse in the WHOLE Bible!  Wow!  I told her that and she wrote back stunned, saying that she wasn't sure why she wrote that verse and that she was thinking she should have written one a little more cheerful or having to do with healing.  But, she listened to what she was supposed to do and left me Psalm 73: 26 "My heart and flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

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