I Confess...I have sinned

It's true.  I am not perfect (contrary to my previous belief).  I have sinned.  I have jealousy in my heart today...

I am jealous of all you people who have regular bowel movements.  Do you realize how LUCKY you are?  I was up all night trying to get comfortable as my body tried to move "stuff" through my bowels.  It was heavy, it was painful, it was uncomfortable.  My whole right side becomes hard, as everything tries to get past my cancer mass.  Stupid cancer.  Don't take your bowel movements for granted, People!!  Distended intestines are not fun!

Oh! Another thing!  There doesn't seem to be much awareness or fundraising going on for colon cancer.  What's with that?  Is it because it's all about pooh and passing gas?  I say we reclaim our feces!  Let's pass great wind and be proud! (oh man, I can't believe I'm writing about pooh....)

One more thing.... I found this article today and it had a very truthful and funny outlook on the whole 'dealing with cancer' thing.  I haven't had any "sympathy vultures" to contend with, but the rest rings very true for me.  I encouraged my family and friends to tell others because it was less work for me :)  Here's an excerpt from the article:

"Make a Facebook status letting everyone know you have cancer. "Ewww, but I'm not an attention whore!" Hush, you blighted body! The only thing more exhausting than chemo is having a face-to-face conversation with everyone you've ever met about your battle of wills with a murderous tumor. So after you tell the important people in your life, make a public announcement. Otherwise, a lot of your casual acquaintances will bully you into long conversations because they want to be personally affected by your disease. These are usually the types who tell elaborate stories about their bad days; meeting a cancer patient is like meeting a celebrity to them. Nonchalantly noting the state of your health online helps deflate and deflect these sympathy vultures. In that same vein, tell your loved ones to openly mourn your bad news. I think my roommate literally told 50 people the week I was diagnosed, which was therapeutic for her and also saved me a ton of work."

from “Tips on Surviving Cancer” by Rebecca Pederson

http://thehairpin.com/2011/11/tips-on-surviving-your-cancer/

I Don't Belong Here

My husband was diligently doing his homework last night and needed the computer, so I was unable to post my blog.  He's been working so hard.  He's got so much on his plate, I feel bad for him.  

Gwen has a cold and I can't risk getting sick because if I do, my surgery will be postponed.  Cold FX, here I come!

I went to the hospital yesterday for my pre admission clinic for the surgery.  I shouldn't have gone by myself.  I had been up the whole night prior taking care of a sick Gwen who wouldn't settle.  I ended up spending half the night dozing on the floor in her room.  Needless to say, I was a little tired.  I walked up to the 3rd floor where all the surgery patients are located only to find myself surrounded by old men.  All I could think was that I was going to be spending a week with a bunch of old men at the end of their lives.  I didn't belong here.  I am a lively 30 year old woman.  I am just beginning my life.  I have a 16 month child and would like at least one more.  My career is just starting.  I've only been married for 5 years.  What happened to growing old with my husband?  To seeing our grandchildren?  I don't belong in a ward surrounded by 80 year old men!

It was the first time in this whole experience that I started feeling sorry for myself.  I had never asked, "Why me?".  I was always asking, "Why not me? What makes me so special that I shouldn't get cancer?".  They say 1 in 3 of us will end up with cancer by the end of our lives, so why shouldn't it be me?  I was of the thought that it was a good thing it WAS me because I know I have the strength and attitude to deal with this and put this cancer in it's place.  But yesterday... I went there.  I had a pity party. If I could have looked at myself, I would have been giving myself the "Pity Eyes".  Ugh.

It's a good thing I have an amazing group of people around me.  I was able to speak to my pastor right away, who could identify with the feeling of being too young to be in that ward when he had surgery a couple years ago.  He made me think about the reasons God was putting me in the situation.  Who knows who I may touch while I stay in that ward.  Who knows what lives I may touch just by going through this experience.  Who knows!  Not me.  So, I shouldn't be looking at this as a "poor me" situation, but more as a "look to see where God's at work" situation.

Thankfully, I also had a wonderful friend take Gwen for the rest of the day so I could catch up on sleep (and fight away any cold germs that may have landed!).  My pastor's daughter also offered to watch Gwen in the evening and put her to bed for me.  What a generous, caring, selfless group of people that are in my life.  I feel so incredibly blessed!

Oh, I just have to mention a little "God Moment" that happened a couple days ago.  An old friend and mentor was messaging me on Facebook to give me some encouragement.  She wrote a certain verse out of Psalms to encourage me.  It just so happens that it is not only my favourite Psalm, but my absolute favourite verse in the WHOLE Bible!  Wow!  I told her that and she wrote back stunned, saying that she wasn't sure why she wrote that verse and that she was thinking she should have written one a little more cheerful or having to do with healing.  But, she listened to what she was supposed to do and left me Psalm 73: 26 "My heart and flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Hold, Please

As some of you may or may not know, I have a production company called EVE Entertainment.  We have made one film; a short for the 168 Film Festival in L.A.  We were nominated for best international film and for best actress at this year's festival.  For our first production, and for my film directorial debut, it was a huge success.  We're actually currently waiting on several other film festivals to which we submitted to find out if we've been accepted.  I am very proud of this film.  Our company has been in pre-production for our second film, for the same L.A. film festival, which is going to be shooting in February.  My business partner is going to be directing this one and I am supposed to be acting.
Our hearts have really been on fire lately for children and teens who have been subject to abuse and exploitation.  While we were looking into that, we came across the subject of human trafficking.  It is a terrifying thought, as portrayed in the movie "Taken" with Liam Neeson (who I've met- no big deal...lol).  What was more terrifying was to find out that Guildford Mall in Surrey is the number one pick up spot in Canada for human traffickers.  Another scary thought is how poorly educated the public is on this subject.  We decided to base our film around the subject of human trafficking to help shed awareness on the subject.  There is also a campaign brewing that would use this film as an educational tool in schools.  We are very excited about the possibilities that this film holds.

It takes a LOT of work and planning to make a film.  Now, let's throw some cancer in the mix.  All of a sudden my plans for the next 2-3 months are completely up in the air.  As it is with any major injury, surgery, or illness, we must put our lives on hold and focus on healing.  Christmas is coming up and I'm not sure if I'll be able to make our annual Discovery Church Christmas event.  It will all depend on how I feel 10 days after surgery.  I don't even know how I'll be feeling on Christmas day!  Will I be able to eat turkey?  I had also been hoping to audition this thursday for one of my favourite plays of all time, "The Importance of Being Earnest", directed by a friend and colleague whom I have been eager to work with.  The rehearsal period will coincide with my recovery period.  I could maybe do the show despite my recovery... unless I need chemo, which I won't find out until after Dec 15th.  

 All of a sudden, this film that I've been planning and raising money for is also in danger.  Thankfully, I have an amazing business partner who is working double time to make this happen.  I want nothing more at this point for that film to be made.  I want the world to know about human trafficking.  I don't care if I'm acting in it anymore.  I don't care how big my involvement is.  I just want it to be made.  If, Heaven forbid, this journey should end in a bad way, I would like to have this one final push at affecting change in the world.

I guess where I'm going with all this is that I am ready to drop it all if need be, but I really don't want to.  Why should I accept putting my whole life on hold?  Just to get better?  Just to beat a life threatening disease?  Bah!  I can do it all!  I am super woman!  And yet, I can't.  Nor will my lovely husband, family and friends let me risk my health just to act in a play or make a movie.  I wouldn't let any of my sisters do those things if they were fighting cancer.  No way!  I would make them focus on themselves.  So why, oh why, is it so hard for me to focus on self?  I feel like it's my will versus God's will.  I don't know why I bother fighting, He always wins in the end (see yesterday's blog), but I am clinging onto this despite His imminent victory. This is going to be one of the hardest parts of my journey; seeing all the things pass by that I could have been involved with, but was unable.  I will have to surrender myself to the fact that I will miss out on these things.  But, it doesn't mean that God doesn't have bigger and better things for me to be involved with afterwards!  I look forward to the possibilities.  I love possibility!


(To read more about EVE Entertainment or our next film, go to:  www.indiegogo.com/Promises-Short-Film)

Grey Cup Victory... is MINE!

Today is Grey Cup Sunday.  The day where hundreds of thousands of Canadians are glued to their TV set to see the outcome of two sets of men beating each other into the dirt.  Or in this case, because it's being hosted in Vancouver, into the mushy, soggy ground.  Oh, wait.  That won't happen either now that BC Place has a new roof!  Personally, I don't watch football.  Not even athletic men in tight pants is enough to keep me interested in that sport.  I am a hockey girl through and through.  This does not mean I won't be recording the game on my PVR while I'm at church.  There is something about the last minute of a championship game that is incredible to watch, no matter what the sport.  It is a magical moment when those final seconds count down and the victory in won.  The players have a massive group hug, the coaches are ecstatic (even if they try to hide it), the media is in a frenzy, and the fans go wild!  An enormous ROAR can be heard across the city.  And, best of all, everyone is smiling and happy.  It is a moment of complete joy for the victors.

Ok...now to get real.  I have been having doubts.  One of my biggest fears is that I don't have enough faith to be healed by God.  Mark 5 : 25-34 holds the story of a woman who was healed by faith...
²⁵ And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. ²⁶ She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. ²⁷ When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, ²⁸because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” ²⁹ Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.

 ³⁰ At once Jesus realized that healing power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked,“Who touched my clothes?”

 ³¹ “You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ ”

 ³² But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. ³³ Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. ³⁴ He said to her,“Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”

It was her reaching out in faith that healed her.  I know I have faith, but I sometimes doubt that I have enough faith to deserve healing.  Sometimes I doubt that I will get better.  When I repeat to myself and others, "I will get better.  I can beat this," do I truly believe it?  I don't know.  I know I am strong willed and otherwise quite healthy.  Logically it makes sense that I can get better, but I believe that if it's not God's will to get better, then I won't.  At the same time, if it is His will that I get better, then I will.  These doubts could eat a person up inside.  

I was at a dedication for my friend's son this morning and the Pastor just happened to be speaking on Faith vs Doubt.  Coincidence?  I think not.  (I love how God throws us exactly what we need, when we need it).  He spoke of how we are either feeding our doubts or feeding our faith.  What I need to do right now is feed my faith by reading, hearing, and obeying the Word of God.  I need to starve my doubts by being careful what words are coming into my life.  I need to leave out the negative, both when speaking and hearing (does that mean I should delete the previous paragraph?).  Our words either work for us or against us and I plan on making mine work for me.  Words are our servants and I will command mine to only speak the truth that God has given.  This truth is that even if we have faith the size of a mustard seed, it is ENOUGH!  Thank goodness for that!  The truth is that the Greater One, the Lion of Judah, Christ himself, lives inside me and He has already won!  I will continue to feed this Lion within until he arises with a mighty roar; a roar that makes mountains tremble!  ....even bigger than the roar arising from BC Place when another group of Lions won their victory today!

1 John 5:4
That's because everyone who is a child of God has won the battle over the world. Our faith has won the battle for us.


1 John 4:4
You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.


 Psalm 68:1
¹ May God arise, may his enemies be scattered;
   may his foes flee before him.


Hebrews 11:1
 ¹Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.


Proverbs 18:21
²¹ The tongue has the power of life and death,
   and those who love it will eat its fruit.

"I have cancer. How are you?"

Today was my first day out and about running errands since I was diagnosed.  I have been consumed by phone calls, doctor's appointments and emails this past week.  Not to mention trying to plan my entire 2 months of recovery, shop for Christmas, and prep mentally for surgery.  I had an extremely productive day today, which left me exhausted to the point that I had to ask someone to put my daughter to bed for me (thank you Brooke!).  My fatigue seems really bad as of late.  I'm thinking it's due to the fact that I really don't have much of an appetite.  I can go half the day before realizing that I haven't eaten anything.  This is very odd for me because I am a HUGE breakfast fan.  I am usually nauseous within an hour of waking up if I haven't eaten anything.  Not anymore.  I think my brain is trying to protect my bowels from the aggravation and discomfort of food passing through them by telling me that I am not hungry.  What a thoughtful brain I have!  But, I digress...

My "Cancer Brain" is still active.  I seem to walk into a room and forget why I am there.  I needed to read my shopping list 3 times before I actually understood what it said.  It took me so much longer than it should have to complete the simple act of buying groceries.  Mind you, I am eating differently so there were a few unfamiliar products that I had to investigate.  It's strange being out in the world when you have something big going on.  People continue on their day to day activities completely oblivious to the fact that anything is wrong with you.  I remember thinking this when I was recovering from my c-section.  I would go out, in pain, and people would be cutting me off and would just generally be their inconsiderate selves.  It drove me crazy!  I wanted to tell them everything that was wrong with me so that maybe they'd be a bit more considerate.  But we don't think that way when we're out and about.  We are focused on what we need to do.  We don't have the time to be thinking about the different situations that all these humans around us are experiencing.

Today, the checkout girls asked me their typical, "How are  you?".  Being the honest and forthright person that I am, I almost replied with, "I was diagnosed with cancer this week.  How are you?".  I don't mean it as an attention grabber or an attempt to gain sympathy.  They asked!  But, I stopped myself from replying that way because, really, who wants to hear it?  Most people don't expect an honest answer when they ask that question.  Especially people who are paid to say those words and get in trouble if they don't follow the 'script' (I know this from experience).  It kind of makes me sad that we are all wandering around out there, rubbing shoulders and interacting, but are so closed in by the walls we put up that we can't really have an honest relationship with each other.  It makes me value those people in my life with whom I can be truly honest and free.  The people who don't judge me for my craziness, or for my eccentricities.  The people who accept me, ego and all, despite all my failings.  It would be nice if we could be that way with everyone, but in reality, there simply isn't the time.

Kleenex and Real Booze

I had the privilege of witnessing one of my daughter's firsts today.  We rode the Vancouver Sky Train for the first time together while my husband drew the inside of the train for one of his art classes.  Gwen and I sat there (well, she stood- better for looking out the window), watching as all the buildings, trees, birds, and cars went by.  Her new favourite word is "sky".  It's mildly mispronounced, coming out as "kai", but we both know what she means.  She points up to the blue, or in Vancouver's case, grey sky above us and looks at me with pride as she identifies an element of her surroundings.  It is adorable.  I am so in love with my baby girl that every smile she gives me makes my heart melt.  When the train started moving for the first time, she looked at me with these giant eyes that expressed so much: excitement, apprehension, wonder, and trust.  She knew that everything would be ok because I was there with her.

There is a comfort that we cannot get anywhere else on this planet other than from our Mothers.  I am blessed to have 3 mothers in my life.  I have my Mom, who brought me into this world, my Step-mom, who has been a part of my life since I was 5, and my Mother-in-law, who I have had the pleasure of being joined to through my husband (it's always a relief when you get an awesome Mother-in-law).  Despite my love and respect for my Step-mom and my Mother-in-law, there is just no greater comfort in the world than my Mom.  The beautiful woman who birthed me and fed me from her body; who took care of me when I was sick; who sacrificed sleep, money, time, and sometimes sanity to raise me up into the woman I am today.  I was speaking with two of my older sisters this evening, Katie and Pam, and we had an amazing moment of honesty.  I broke down as I told them how much I want my Mommy with me at the hospital. I am very prepared mentally for my surgery, but there is no greater comfort here on Earth than a Mother. Pam reminded me that when I was in labour with my daughter, I asked for my Mom.  I remember a time when I was so sick during my 4th year of university that all I could do was cry for my Mom.   I am a strong, independent, competent woman, but when times are tough I am not too big to admit that I want my Mommy.

All this talk of motherly comfort really got us all tearing up pretty well.  Katie was silent for a bit and we asked her, "Hey! You still there?".  "I am," she replied, "I'm just grabbing a kleenex and some real booze..."

(Don't get me wrong.  I find a lot of comfort in others as well.  I love my Fathers and need their comfort.  I love my husband and I need his comfort.  I love my siblings and I need their comfort.  I love my God and I couldn't survive without His comfort.  Apparently I have a great need for comfort...)

I hope you are having a Blessed Day!  Call your Mommy and tell her how much she means to you!

Pity Eyes

I woke up this morning after an incredibly deep sleep (thank you Katherine for the lavender!), feeling almost normal.  Until...duh duh duh....the abdominal cramping started.  Oh crap.  It's 8am, I'm alone with Gwen, she's needing food, the dog needs outside, and I'm having troubles moving.  The waves of pain and discomfort keep coming, getting worse as the time slowly moves by.  I can tell that I've got some sort of partial blockage happening.  I can feel a hard lump on my right side and some other areas that are distended from the gas in my intestines.  I was in the ER a few weeks ago because of a complete blockage (graphic content alert!) where my stool was not passing through the area of my bowel that has the cancer mass.  I ended up having an enema done so that I could get everything through and continue on with my life.  (It was kind of funny.  The nurse doing my enema walked through the curtain and started giggling.  I'm all like, "What's up?  What's so funny?".  She looked at me and laughed some more.  She said, "I'm sorry.  I really shouldn't be laughing.  I just thought you'd be 80.  I'm not used to doing this to young people."  I found that particularly amusing.)  At any rate, the enema made me feel quite a bit better, so I hopped into my vehicle and headed to the pharmacy in hopes of doing a home enema, thus avoiding the whole ER ordeal.  I've seen WAY too much of that place lately.  I get to the store, grab the box and read the directions.  Do not use if experiencing abdominal pain, bowel blockage, etc...   Oh, bother!  I wait for the pharmacist to finish with a client so that I can ask him about my particular case.  I explain to him that I have a partial blockage because of colon cancer and that I am experiencing abdominal cramping, probably because of the gas trying to get through the partial blockage.  Can I use this product?

That's when it happened... Pity Eyes.

This is a new phrase I've coined for my journey.  It's that look of complete  dread and sorrow and pity in someone's eyes when they are looking at someone who is terminally ill.  I found it almost insulting.  He looked at me as though I was already gone.  Then he said in a sombre tone, "I'm sorry.  I don't know.  There's no way to tell, "... more pity eyes..."I'm sorry."  I wanted to shake him and say, "I'M NOT DEAD!  Not even close!  I am a fighter and I have so many people and resources available to me.  I'm in an age where cancer doesn't kill everyone.  I am young and otherwise very healthy.  I am going to BEAT THIS!"  Instead, I turned and said, "Ok.  I'll just call my doctor."

I guess my lesson from this is that I need to impart to people that I don't want a pity party.  I appreciate sympathy and empathy, but pity isn't necessary.  I've been so fortunate in that everyone I know has been responding to me with love and encouragement.  I haven't had to deal with pity until today.  I didn't like it.

The enema did make me feel better, by the way.  Everything is working itself out, if you catch my drift. ;)   (Haha, I just put two puns into one sentence.  OH, clever me.)

And for those of you praying for specific things, please pray that the mass will shrink before my surgery.  It's looking like there are some lymph nodes that have been affected, which may mean chemo, but we won't know for certain until the surgery.  Let's pray that those nodes are CLEAN AND CLEAR of all cancer by the time the surgery happens.  YEAH!

  

Today's theme is... the difference between men and women!

I went to a women's group this morning and the pastor was speaking on men's and women's purposes in this world.  Men are here to lead, provide, protect, and to love.  However, they are prone to loneliness (because they tend not to reach out much), compulsive competition, and emotional timidity (the inability to process and/or deal with their emotions).

Women, on the other hand, complete men.  Our purpose is relationships.  Women connect; we have intuition, we are peacemakers, communicators.  We are filled with tenderness, we are great friends, we are amazing nurturers, and, best of all, we are BEAUTIFUL.

I identify with this example of a woman.  I am a communicator.  I have been in awe of the amount of people who have reached out to me as I reach out to the world through this journey of mine.  The words of wisdom, the sympathy, the empathy, the support, the cheers to stay strong and positive, the outpouring of love, it has all been overwhelming.  I quite often get asked how my husband is dealing with all of this and, to be honest, I don't really know.  I've tried probing, but have had mixed results.  My husband is a great leader, provider, and protector (I would add 'lover', but my parents might be reading this and that's just weird).  He is, however, prone to not reaching out.  He is very much a man in the way that he compartmentalizes everything.  Men have this amazing ability to put life situations into different little boxes and then proceed to focus only on one box at a time.  In Mike's case, I believe his boxes look like this (in no particular order): Hunger, School, Job, Bills, Chores, Daughter, Wife, Cancer.  Right now, the need to get through the semester of school is of the utmost importance in his life.  I believe that his thought process is, "Get school out of the way as quickly as possible so that I can focus on the Wife and the Cancer."  We have discussed at length the value that this new education will bring to our family.  I understand his mindset, but as I deal with my own emotions I find myself longing for the attention and love of my husband.  I want the words of encouragement to come from him.  I want him to be asking, "What can I do for you?".  I want him to be the one hugging me when I break down.  I have this man who is incredibly hard working and focused, but right now it's not on the thing I want him to be focusing on.  At the end of the day, who is to say which is the better route?  If he quickly gets his school work done then he will have more time to focus on me later.  I've never been the most patient of people.  I'm still working on that fruit of the spirit.  But, my perspective has changed of late and I just want to drop everything and bask in love and positivity.  I don't care about the day to day at the moment.  I want to cherish the time I have, no matter if I live 6 more months or 50 more years.  I want to drop it all and LOVE.

Is There Such Thing As "Cancer Brain"?

We've all heard of "Pregnancy Brain" and "Mommy Brain".  I've personally experienced both within the last 2 years.  I stand firm that these states of mind do in fact exist.  I wonder today, is there such thing as "Cancer Brain"?  Let me tell you a funny story...

The day started with a power outage.  Gwen (my 16 month daughter) wouldn't eat any food that didn't require cooking with the electric stove.  She also seemed lost without the morning dose of cartoons that she had become so accustom to.  My fatigue and other symptoms seems worse in the mornings (and I'm allergic to caffeine), so I have been relying on the TV as a babysitter for the first hour or so of the day.  (This is not how I had hoped to raise my daughter and, believe me, I feel a LOT of mommy guilt for it.)  After speaking with my friend, Katherine, we agreed that I would come over for the day.  She did a marvelous job of caring for and feeding Gwen and me.  We spent a lovely day together only to have it cut short by my sudden realization that I was going to be late for my Worship Team rehearsal if I didn't leave right then.  I rushed out the door with Gwen, put her in her car seat, threw the keys into the front seat so that I could have both hands free to do up Gwen's seat belts, covered her with a blanket, then closed the door.  I reached for the front door and pulled.  It wouldn't budge.  I'm thinking, "Oh shoot, I must not have unlocked all the vehicle doors.  I'll just have to open Gwen's door and unlock mine."  So, I pull on the backseat door handle.  It's locked.  Oh pooh.  Now, you have to know that I cannot recall I time in my life that I have ever locked my keys in the car.  I may have, but it has happened so infrequently that I have no memory of it.  It sucks to lock your keys in the car, but there is no feeling in the world to describe locking your baby in a car!  I didn't panic.  Katherine called a locksmith, who promptly told her he had no one to send out and to call 911.  The fire department ended up responding to our call, only to tell me that the only way they had to get into the vehicle was by breaking the window.  Fortunately, my husband Mike was on his way home from school and could be there within 20-30 mins.  The firemen ended up entertaining Gwen with a flashlight and a stuffed dalmatian in a fireman's hat until Mike drove up and unlocked the car.  Wow.  

I felt like a complete idiot.  I was embarrassed that the fire department had to respond to this call right in the middle of rush hour.  The firemen seemed to have a pretty good time with it, entertaining Gwen and all, but I couldn't believe I had been the cause of wasting the peoples' tax dollars.  I immediately blamed the cancer.  I'm starting to think that I can get away with blaming a lot of my forgetfulness and lack of focus on this cancer thing.  If you think about it, I've been dealing with the symptoms of this disease since at least last March.  That means that all this time that I thought I had prolonged "New Mommy Brain", I actually had "Cancer Brain".  What a relief!

Now, all I have to do is keep this a secret from Gwen so that she can't hold this incident against me in the future. "Mom, remember the time you locked me in the car for 40 minutes?  I'll have that candy now..."

Day of Diagnosis

The facts:

Today I was diagnosed with colon cancer.  I am 30 years old.  I am scheduled to have my entire ascending colon removed, along with the surrounding lymph nodes, on Dec. 8th, 2011.  It will be at that time that they can assess what stage of cancer I have.  I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter.  I am a business women, I am an actor, I am a director, a producer, a Worship leader, a friend, a smiling face.  I am a story teller and this is my story.... :


So, where do I start?  How can I blog about something when it feels as if it's happening to another person? I'm going to live forever, right?  Well, maybe not.  There is an expiration date on this planet and when you are face to face with yours it changes your perspective.  That stain on one of your favourite shirts from the spaghetti you had for dinner doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore.  Peoples' facebook statuses don't seem so witty or, well, even worth reading.  I want to scream at them, "Stop your inane writing!  People are dying all around you!  I am dying! Can't you see?  Don't you care?".

But I'm not...dying.  Not yet.  It's all about attitude.  It's all about facing the challenge knowing that you are holding hands with Jesus and that you have an army of family and friends marching behind you into battle. There is no better feeling in the world than to know that you are loved.  That's what it's all about.  LOVE.  That's what it's always been about and will always be about.  Don't let anyone tell you different.

I am starting this blog to tell the story of my fight... and of my victory.  I have always loved a challenge and I walk into this one knowing that God never gives us more than we can handle.  God must think that my family and I can handle quite a bit, given the circumstances!  I look on this as an honour and an opportunity to trust that God is faithful.  I will come out on the other side of this a changed woman.  I will be stronger, more compassionate, perhaps even a bit more wise.  My character will be molded, some weeds will be pulled, and some flowers will be planted.  I know it will be a tough journey, but I believe that my spirit is prepared.