I've discovered that chemo is not easy. You know all those good stories about how it's not that bad that I was talking about before? Well, that's not my experience. At the same time, I'm not having the nightmare story either, so I guess I can count myself lucky. I am essentially out of the rat race for at least 40% of the next 5-6 months. There is a small chance that my symptoms will get better, but more often than not, as the drugs start to pile up in the system, the symptoms tend to get worse. That will mean more numbness and tingling in my hands, more sensitivity to cold and hot, more nausea, more fatigue, more, more, more. Funny thing is though, one of my biggest dreads about the late stages of my treatment is that it'll be summer and I won't be able to eat or drink anything cold. Bummer!!! (Wow, I pulled that one straight out of 80's. Who says that anymore?). So, while I slowly count down the days to the end of all this chemo madness, I will do my best to keep myself preoccupied with side projects.
Now that my company's short film is complete, I will be focusing some of that energy on a spoof music video. I don't want to give anything away, so you don't get to know what video I'm spoofing, but my intention behind it is to put some smiles on the faces of other people who are doing chemo. I'll be taking some "shots" at chemotherapy from the patients perspective. Definitely one of those projects that can't be done unless you've gone through the process yourself. I also have a screen play in my mind that is itching to be written, so I will have to sit down and do that. One of my biggest problems is that my brain seems to have left me most of the time. That's why I haven't been writing as many blogs. Half the time I don't have the energy to write one, and the other half of the time I don't have the brain!
There is one good thing that comes from these chemo sessions though. I was able to identify it thanks to my fellow Worship Leader, Keri, at our usual warm up on Sunday. Despite being pretty exhausted and emotionally raw, I went to church to play and sing and worship. I was, as usual, having some troubles focusing and mentioned that I was feeling pretty crumby. Keri said to me, "It's in those times when we are at our weakest, especially physically, that God is able to step in and we will lean on Him. Open your heart and let Him in." So I did. Then I proceeded to cry through the first 3 songs that we practiced.
What Keri's words moved in me was the opportunity to connect with God through these rough times, through the times when I don't feel like talking or thinking. I really do become very emotionally raw after the 50 hours of chemo, which is actually a perfect opportunity and time for me to hear from God. I feel like when all the junk is cleared away, when I'm just not caring about anything because I feel gross from the chemo, it's the perfect opportunity to hear God. I can sense what He is truly laying on my heart. Then, when I have the energy or the opportunity, I can act on it. So, all in all, these sessions won't be that bad if I can only surrender myself to being fully sensitive to where God's working.