Monday, June 18, 2012

Exeunt Stage Left

My pastor reminded me tonight that I am a writer.  It sounded strange coming from someone's mouth.  It was both a confidence booster and a confirmation that writing is indeed part of my talent pool.  I know full well that I am by no means at a professional level of correspondence, however the compliments I have received since starting my blog has made me aware of a certain competence.  Please do not take this as an egotistical statement.  My head is not swelling any larger than it actually is (although my head is already a healthy 22 inches in circumference- a good inch bigger than the average female head).  The statement from my pastor made me reflect instantly on the last time I actually wrote a blog.  It's been a while.  I do enjoy the video blogs, but there is a certain clarity of thought that comes with writing things down.  It purges and cleanses the emotions.  I highly encourage everyone out there to give it a go.  Buy a journal, grab a piece of paper, sit at your computer, do whatever works for you, but for heaven's sake write!

That being said, I have decided to write a blog tonight.  It's been an interesting day.  It is Father's Day (Happy Day to all you Dad's out there!).  I found out about an hour before church that a friend of mine had passed away from cancer.  I have mentioned her before in my blogs.  We knew each other in university, her as a stage manager and myself as an unruly actor.  She had surgery within days of my surgery.  We started chemo around the same time.  She was there ready to answer questions and compare notes, to joke and bitch and complain.  Our relationship was over the internet since both of our hospital schedules didn't seem to allow the opportunity to get together for coffee.  She had a great sense of humour about the whole thing, but was still very open, honest, and 'real'.  I didn't know what to say to her half the time since her journey seemed to bring her to more pain and less options, whereas mine was leading me to a full recovery and a hope that it will never return.  Two very different outcomes.  I can't help but feel guilty to be a cancer survivor.  I know there are a lot of survivors out there, but I also know that there are a lot who don't make it.  It's a bloody war.  We all fight valiantly, but some don't make it.

Megan was so brave.  She was inspiring.  I don't know if I could have kept the smile on my face.  She dealt with it all with such grace.  It really is a credit to her character.  I randomly ran into her on Mother's Day while on an excursion to Fort Langley.  I had a feeling that would be the last time I saw her.  I was flustered and awkward and really didn't know what to say.  I was so proud of her mom and brother who were with her, protectively staying by her side.  I could sense their love for her.  I really could.

Unfortunately, from what I've gathered in my experiences, death is harder on the loved ones than the one who is passing.  I was laying awake in bed last night pondering death.  I was praising God for the fact that facing cancer has taken away my fear of it.  Death is just another momentous event in our lives.  I liken it to giving birth.  Being pregnant for the first time can be full of anxiety.  Even though you know that hundreds of thousands of millions of women have done it successfully since the beginning of time, there is still an element of the unknown to fear.  No matter what, you are entering into an experience where people may be able to help out somewhat, drugs may take away the pain, but you have to do it all by yourself.  That can be scary.  It is quite often the unknown that makes us fear.  For me, God has taken that fear away.  I had to come to terms with it the week that I was diagnosed with cancer.  I didn't know what stage I was at.  I didn't know the outcome.  Fear of the unknown.  God gave me a peace that week that rests eternal in my soul.  I know where I'm going.  I know it's a better place.  I will be sad to leave my loved ones, but I am excited for that stage of  my life.  I now know that it could be another 70 years before that time comes, but I didn't at the time of this revelation.  I had to release it, surrender it all to God.  It's not in my hands, so why worry?  I can only pray and hope that I will be as surrounded by loved ones as Megan was.  That is the way to go.  Resting peacefully in the knowledge that you are loved.

Megan- You will be missed.  Ride on, my friend, ride on...

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